Staring wide eyed at my cell phone is not going to help. It’s been four hours since i woke up and checked my phone. I sat down in my recliner and tried to imagine the tone in her voice when she says “I can’t hang out today i have work.” Or the look on my face when i go to McCalisters to surprise her and she isn’t there.
“FUCKING FUCKING FUCK.”
“Dude.” My roommate wakes up and reminds me i’m insane and need to be less so.
“Don’t do this. You can’t fuck this relationship before you even start it. Not this time. She’s super hot.”
“I fucking know don’t you think i fucking know that! I am sitting here and my stomach has tightened in inconceivably untie-able knots, a sailors knot, loop knot, double loop bowline, anglers loop, clove hitch, eye slice, AND ALL WITH MY INTESTINES!”
“Dude how do you know so many knots?”
” I looked them up this morning and memorized them to get my mind off IT HAPPENING INSIDE OF ME!”
“Dude, seriously chill out. It’s way too early for worrying about girls.”
“It’s never to early for that. Besides it’s fucking noon.”
“So what about that other chick we met at that show?”
“What chi- Oh shit. I was supposed to go out with her last night. I totally forgot when McCalister chick called me up and changed our date on me.”
“Dude what is either of these girls names?”
“ehhhhhh…”
“dude seriously?”
“It never came up!”
“Good lord.”
“YEAH AND NOW MCCALISTER CHICK WILL DUMP ME AND I WONT HAVE LUMI AS A FALLBACK!”
“Wait what? Who is Lumi?”
“Oh yeah… that’s her name, the chick from the show. I guess it did come up.”
“Oh man, that’s a great name.”
“Of course it is. It’s fantastic. She’s so cute and I want to hold her forever but that’s not the point, McCalister chick is cooler than me and she knows it!”
“I have no objection to that premise besides the fact that i have no fucking idea why that makes her better than Lumi.”
“You wouldn’t understand.”
“Whatever works.”
“Oh that movie was utter shit.”
“Huh?”
“You liked Whatever Works. That movie was utter shit. Woody Allen writing lines for Larry David who can’t act worth shit. Curb was amazing because Larry David was acting completely like himself and writing lines for himself. Every character was overdone to make some mild point that really is something i think anyone with a high school diploma has already understood for half of their life. The only original idea that movie spurred was that someone who wrote Annie Hall could also direct the biggest load of shit I’ve seen in ages.”
“I just liked his character, a nihilist with a genius IQ.”
“Are you fucking kidding. I am pretty sure the idea that he was genius was supposed to be satirical.”“
“whatever-“
“-don’t fucking say it”
“-works.”
“agh you’re an asshole.”
8 months ago