My wall is plastered with sad phrases, some painted with stencils others cut out of poster board. A phrase like “You are everything that is perfect except in love with me.” over my bed to remind me of better days when there actually was someone left to hate. Someone i could mull over their every idiosyncrasy and depict exactly why it was the little imperfections that made her perfect, and that bastard angry fact staring me straight in my face. She is in love with the idea of love and the fact that you love her, but not in love with you.
It’s so easy for her to play along, and come on, what isn’t to love about typing letters on an old typewriter by candlelight for her, a song straight from the heartstrings, every moment adored. I could spend my days getting full body massaged just because the person that i was with could explore every inch of my body and not be satisfied until it all was covered by a soft graze of their lips. Let’s face it, i was a great boyfriend in that aspect. It can’t be argued. I lifted them over puddles, pulled out their chairs, opened the car door when it was appropriate, gave money, more money than i had. Cooked dinner and didn’t ask for sex just gave it as was needed. She was okay with three times a week i was okay with it too. Burning and feverish and wanting maybe. I’m more of a three times an hour kind of guy. That’s just the way i’m wired.
“Come on David, we have to get out of this house. You are getting stir crazy.”
“Oh if only i was lucky enough to be stirred, it would be so simple being batter.”
“You see what I mean?”
“Yeah okay, but where.” I threw off my blanket and was not in the least bit aware of my nudity.
“We will go for a walk, but i’d appreciate it if you put on some clothes.”
“Well of course i’m not going to go nu-“
In the park there was a girl. It took me moments to realize it was Lumi. She was wearing a flannel long sleeve, a very cute skirt that came to her knees which were covered in stockings, her hair was tied back and she had on glasses. She was standing on a bridge crossing the outlet to the lake. I was in awe.
“Lumi?” She looked at her feet and bit her lip, smiling nervously. “What are you doing here? Starting a shoegaze band?”
“Hmm? I never get your jokes, you are too smart for me.”
“oh, not at all.” Daniel was in the car starting the engine.
“HEY WAIT WH-” He sped off.
“I um, i kind of called up Daniel and told him to bring you here. I haven’t seen you since that show and you keep saying you want to hang out but never show up. I just miss you.”
“Lumi… You barely know me.”
“Do you like my outfit?”
“You look like an American Apparel model… Yes, alot.”
“Thank you.”
“Listen, Lumi-“
“Don’t say anything please, can’t we just hang out in the park.”
I shut my mouth and we watched the river turn from clear to murky as the sky got gray and then dark, the clouds look as ominous as a bad cliche and i realized that even though we hadn’t said a word i was starting feel comfortable around Lumi.
“I think it’s about to rain darlin’,” She blushed and smiled, “What?”
“Nothing, my heart just skipped when you called me darlin’.” I grimaced and turned my back to her.
“You don’t want to go down this road Lumi. I promise you. You are young and naive and all that nonsense. It’s just going to get shitty. So shitty that before the end you will either have killed me or yourself, and you know what, i hate American Apparel, and urban outfitters, you know i used to dress like that when i was fucking ten and all i did was get made fun of. skin tight short shorts and a fucking button down was all it took for me to get beat up. It’s bullshit. Eighty goddamned dollars for a fucking v-neck fuck your fucking shit.”
I heard a squeak and when i turned around i realized she was crying.
“Oh, no Lumi. Come on, don’t cry. I can’t handle that. It makes me apologize alot. I’m fucking sorry okay?” I said in a soft voice, “Lumi, look at me, look at me please.” She looked up at me and her eyes glistened with tears. She looked so beautiful in her vulnerability, i hated myself on so many levels for what i did then.
Kissing Lumi is alot like giving a candy bar to someone who reciprocates by buying you a car. She pulls back just to fall back in passionately and it’s about impossible not to fall in love for those few seconds.
“I’m not perfect David. I am horribly broken. My mind takes it in turns to remember and forget the things i’ve done and the things that have been done to me. I just know that from the minute i saw you I knew you had to be mine.”
Jesus that sounds like something i would say.
sigh
8 months ago