“I’m an asshole.”
“why do you say that?” Lumi is sitting on the edge of the bed telling me with her entire body that she is unequivocally in love. Her eyebrows are blanket statements of “don’t hurt me”, and her voice is an earthquake that really seems to answer her question.
It’s possible the day gets worse for you. It’s an insane slough of not-so-bright ideas. Maybe you wrote on your walls and told yourself that art is fucking and a cigarette is better than a salad. Maybe you told yourself that you can drink a fifth of jack for breakfast and then spend the day wishing you were somewhere else no matter where you go. That maybe not giving a fuck was the best decision you ever made. Or possibly you broke into song with a household of people and told everyone you know that loneliness is an epidemic. Maybe a girl loves you and you don’t love her but that’s okay because
you
break
everything you touch.
Speed is a lot like knowledge. When you know something you can relate to other people about it, and if they know about it as well it’s a kind of connection.
“caitlinsarahlizkatrina(cat)sydstevimelissajesskarenkayla…lumi? How does that work into the mix, courageously, I think.”
“Dude you are really fucking hoppin here.”
“Where?”
“This part, right here.” He pointed to the projection on the wall. A reel of film was turning optimistically and wasn’t growing or getting smaller on either end. We are in an abandoned theater and the seats are moldy, i’m picking at a cigarette burn instead of watching myself spun and talking to a girl about everything all at once.
“Have you ever looked at your life before like this?”
“No, and this isn’t real, it’s a dream.”
“How do you know?”
“Because you can’t watch your life at a movie theater as it’s going on, at least not in such a surrealistic manner. Besides, i don’t remember this.” i gesture at myself in another room now, ripping off some poor girls clothes.
“The part where you fuck my girlfriend while i’m in the other room and betray our friendship?”
“No, i don’t remember that. I’m high though.”
“that’s really no excuse. When i find out a week later i’m going to kick you out of the apartment, ya know.”
“so this really happened?”
“Is happening.”
“…I’m sorry.”
“I won’t care.”
Oh fuck, my head is going to explode and it will get all over this girl, wait, what girl?
I’m in a washroom. No, i’m in the bathtub of a washroom with a girl on top of me who looks very familiar. Our genitalia are still intermingled. I can’t say that any more romantically because that is the best way to describe the lack of sexiness about this.
“Jess, wake up.”
“whha-” She gets up quick and stares at me and then at my flaccid cock.
“FUCK!”
“yeah that’s pretty much wh-“
“FUCKING FUCK! Where is Daniel oh god WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
“I… I’m in the same position as you here. I didn’t want to fuck you either. Well, obviously i did last night but i was on a LOT of speed and drunk and whate-“
“Shut up! jesus fucking christ, this never happened. Right? NEVER.” She picks her panties off the ground that were ripped, made a grimace and threw them back down.
“Sorry.”
“Shut up David. You do understand the brevity of this situation right? For once in your stupid fucking life, you understand something right?”
“Yes mam, believe me, i want to die more than usual.”
She scowled and walks out the door and slams it. I get up and walk out the door to similar situations all over the place. People strewn about as if disaster struck as i can only assume it did. I walk into the kitchen and open someones refrigerator, i move aside something unidentifiable in a Tupperware container and grab some take out. I smell it and it seems to be fine.
“Are you really going to eat my left over lo mein.”
A very androgynous boy is standing with his hands on his hips as i turn around with noodles hanging into my mouth. He is smirking and I don’t know if it’s just because i get turned on in the mornings but he certainly wasn’t hurting my mood any.
“Well, i was thinking about it actually. What’s your name beautiful?” He arched an eyebrow at the term of endearment and said:
“I’m alexa.”
“Short for Alexander?”
“No.”
“Oh, i’m sorry.”
She is staring at me now. Then she smiles.
“That’s okay. I’m rather used to it by now.”
“You will never get used to it on my account.”
“Well aren’t you almost sweet.”
“If it helps any I really do think you will make a gorgeous girl.”
” I am a gorgeous girl, thank you very much. I’m non-op, not that it makes a difference.” She turns away from me and grabs something out of the drawer by the sink. It’s a knife.
“I’m okay with this.”
“okay with what?”
“You want to stab me?”
“…You’re strange. I’m going to make an omelet.”
“Out of me?”
“Ahah… I like you, you’re crass and unsophisticated but funny.”
“Okay, can i flirt with you later, i kind of have to find my roommate?”
“Who is your roommate?”
“Daniel. The one with the leather jacket with the studs, syd viscious.”
“Oh yeah, he left early last night saying he had to find his girlfriend.” I looked down and she had an amused look on her face. “Which is the girl you were intertwined with in the bathtub I’m guessing?”
“I have to go.”
“I suppose so huh?” I start to walk out the door and then turn back.
“Can i see you again?”
“Really? Because i see how you treat your friends.” I must have looked very hurt because she back tracked, “Oh sure, i’m sorry darlin’, here’s my number.”
A thousand stitches couldn’t mend the gaping chasm of a wound that is the alienation of my friends from me, by me.
